What if even your selfless acts are a little bit selfish? Or if everything is just Me, Me, Me?
The other day I decided I should drive my teenage daughter to the park so she could hang out with some friends. So kind of me, right? Wrong! To be honest, my motives did not stem from kindness. On top of that, straightaway I decided to drive her to the park, I was annoyed that I had to do it.
My “Trip to the Park” story:
My daughter wanted to go out with her friends to the park to just hang out. In theory, that sounds lovely.
But, here’s the thing, she’s only 13 and I’ve never met these friends and I’ve read stuff in the news that makes me think that particular park can be a bit dodgy plus it’s very out of the way and a bit too quiet for my liking.
In short, I’m not comfortable. So I say, “Uh, No. Sorry honey, you can’t go”.
And immediately I feel mean.
So then I go back on my decision and I say, “Hang on, I’ll just go and talk to Daddy. Maybe you can go honey, I’ll have a think about what I can do.”
So I have a quick word to my hubby thinking maybe he’d like to take her there to check it out… but no, it’s Saturday morning and of course, he’s doing other stuff just like I want to be doing other stuff – … he’s busy, I’m busy, you’re busy, we’re all busy, right?
Hubby says something like: “If you want her to go to the park to see her friends then maybe you can take her”. As usual, he has cut to the core and, as usual, he makes good sense. We each have our own agenda and it’s my own choice if I let my daughter’s agenda win.
I get to choose my actions.
I sigh. I am the one who wants her to go so she can see her friends.
So I tell my daughter I will take her and wait for her…
I will look to see where she is in the park (and have a sneaky check out of who her friends are, but I don’t say that bit) and then I will wait for her in the car and do some writing. My daughter is happy enough about the plan and so it’s decided. What a kind Mum. Really.
Not really.
Because then I stomp off to my bedroom to have a big pity party because even though I said I’d take her I didn’t really want to have to get up and get properly dressed that morning and even though it would be good to get some writing done I didn’t really want to spend a half hour or more driving, let alone having to check out teenagers and be the very embarrassing mother.
Baaaaaaa
I am so annoyed. Why can’t I just be normal? (“Why can’t you just be like the other mums?”) Why can’t I just trust my daughter that it’s exactly as she says?:
– these friends are really nice and they’ll only be chatting in the park and maybe having a bit of a picnic and of course they will be near a toilet they can use because her friend’s house is really close to the park (although “Close” must be relative because her friend’s house is not “close” to the park at all, I checked the map already.) –
And I was a teenager too and…I remember!
And I’ll tell you why I can’t just be normal like the other mums because I bet even the other mums are not like the other mums.
Do I care too much? Yes….
And I’m annoyed I do.
My Selfish Motives
I am surprised to realize the following:
I want to go the park for my own purposes.
I am being a good mother in this instance – yes, I think maybe I am – but my true motivations go deeper to my sense of self:
- I need to let her go to the park to see her friends because otherwise I feel like I’m a big meany and I can’t cope with that.
- I need check it out and stay there in the car park to fulfil my own need to know my daughter is okay; for my own peace of mind.
- And then, even though I am meeting my own expectations of myself… I am then kicking myself for the time commitment required to do so. Like a petulant child shouting:
“What about me?”
I’ll never forget one time at a dinner with a small group of church leaders when one of the guys there revealed the harsh truth of serving in church. He taught us the sign language for the sentence at the same time in order to imprint it on our psyche:
“It’s not about you.”
I immediately rebelled in thought: “That’s rubbish. Of course it’s about me. Jesus died for me just as much as he died for you didn’t he?”
Yes, you know I’m right. Thank you Jesus! Time for a selfie…
And so I updated the thought about serving others and this is what I reckon:
“It is about me and it is about you too.”
God sorts us both out at the same time.
I know the story about the park is not super-spiritual or anything, but I reckon this idea has potential. Maybe, whenever you choose to do something good for someone else, God can look after the other person and grow your character at the same time.
Mixed Motives
I have the feeling that, by his amazing Grace, God continues to sort me out by growing my character even when I have mixed motives. As Galatians 5 reminds me, to see the fruit of the Spirit we’ve got to live and walk by the Spirit of God:
“with personal integrity, godly character, and moral courage—our conduct empowered by the Holy Spirit].”(Galatians 5, 22-25 Amplified)
Are my motives really that important to God? There are a lot of bible verses which imply that they are.
I found this article: “What does the Bible say about motives?” which states “God is interested in our motives even more than our actions.”:
“Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts” (1 Thessalonians 2:4, NLT)
So I have to be honest with myself about my motivation. Even if I may deceive others, I can’t deceive God.
Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. (2 Corinthians 9:7, NIV)
What about a resentful giver? Isn’t that better than nothing?
Sometimes, even if I offer to someone “Can I make you a cup of tea?” it’s because I’ve not really thought through the time commitment first.
Please help me out here, Lord, cos I’m so close on this one!