I finish my breakfast and tidying up the kitchen and come back to bed this morning to write…
And there’s my husband snoring.
He and I got together as teenagers and we married each other young. That was almost a quarter century ago.
Sometimes late at night, when I’m really wanting to get to sleep, his super-loud snoring will keep me awake.
Now I know I snore too because my thoughtful husband took great delight in recording the sound of my snoring the other night and playing it back the next day to me and the kids. Over. And over. So Very Hilarious… Not.
Not only that, but he prodded and woke me several times in order that he could get some sleep.
I was, of course, forced to rebuke him and remind him that when his very loud snoring keeps me awake at night I try not to wake him up.
Instead (I continued to tell him indignantly) I remember how he needs that precious sleep because he’s been working so very hard for us.
And I inform him of my thought-based solution to the problem of his snoring:
I try to associate the sound of his snoring with the solid fact of his welcome and continuous presence in my life.
I remind myself to appreciate that he is there and try to recall all that is good about him:
My snoring husband…
My wonderful, kind, hilarious, generous, attentive, gentle, strong (and sometimes grumpy or melancholic) husband.
Who comes up with great ideas and takes calculated risks. Who uncovers for his own consternation the conspiracies of the world’s greed. Who rails about injustices against people and the environment and our privacy and autonomy. Who cares always beyond his own walls and about what he might do next to fix things up.
Or who simply just does not think at all in his own unique meditative way:
“What are you thinking about darling?”…
“What do you mean?”
Who loves our kids as much as I do and yet uniquely does things for them I would never think of:
For example: Our eldest daughter decided to become vegetarian a couple of years ago. My husband also became vegetarian around the same time. His primary reason : to ensure her nutritional requirements are met.
My husband:
Who is committed to this journey of life with me.
Who lavishly spends his time and energy on me.
Who compromises because of me.
Who honestly will even clean up my worst and most disgusting mess if I can’t.
Who adventures in the big world side by side with me.
Who dreams up the inspiring future with me.
Who makes me a flat white every morning and thinks of me even with his first thought of the day:
He just stopped snoring and woke up right then to remind me to add the word “if” into one of my blog posts he read last night. There was apparently a particular sentence which didn’t make sense without the word “if”.
(Note to self: How can I turn that thought about the lack of an “if” into poetry?… Maybe there was a reason that I left out the to “if”. So I would write about “if” now…)
The lack of an “If”.
“If” is conditional. “If” the word, used as a precondition to something else happening. “If you do this then I’ll do this.”
Is it not about “if” with us, for our marriage –
Although it may be fair to say that both of the following statements are true: “If” he would stop snoring, then I could get more sleep. And also: “If” he would not wake me up when I am snoring, then I could get more sleep –
Actually, our marriage is about the lack of an “if”.
I’ll put this in the context of us.
Now I’m an all right person – I know I’m all right and I can’t speak for what others think of me but, well, I like me – but I’m not “all that”…
Although I try to do the right things, also I try to do too much or do things at the wrong time. And sometimes I fail. I make mistakes. Or sometimes I simply clash up against my husband with my own ways and timings and means. I have been know to upset and on the rare occasion even enrage him.
And then there was that one time when I threw a full plate of food on the floor because, infuriatingly, he wouldn’t discuss something with me until I was calmer. 25ish years is long enough to be irrationally enraged a few times, believe me.
Though it would be bad form for me to detail someone else’s negative points; Neither is he perfect. Despite my mother often telling me how good I’ve got it with him – as if the sun shines from his backside. (For example, despite much firm evidence to the contrary, she strangely seems to believe my husband is the only one who does any cooking and cleaning around here).
We have let each other down before.
Although I prefer to think of these historical moments as pimples on a smiling face…
In actual fact, each of us have let each other down before, in thoughts, words and actions. Either dramatically in an oops-can’t-take-that-back-now kind of way. Or more perversely – and I say perversely because of my increasing revelation that thoughts are where so much is creatively birthed from – just in our heads.
And even though our marriage so far has been really happy
– And we know that’s a thing of great treasure and beauty –
sometimes one of us just will get a bit fed up with the other and it might even last for a while.
But even if those temporary and insignificant pimples on the face of our beautiful relationship were ever red and pus-filled, they go away when treated and the scars fade.
Because we have – again and again and again – turned back towards to each other.
Remorseful. Reaching. To reconcile. To discover each other again. Now more thoughtful. We have picked each other up. Counted these slip-ups or dull times as moments of our learning and growing curve.
Drawn into each other again. Found delight and newness in each other again. Appreciated each other again.
And so in this I am confident:
It is not simply not about “if” for me and my husband, just as it is not about “if” for my God.
Because “if” is conditional. But this is Unconditional Love.
This is our personal and public promise to each other under God.
A Marriage Covenant.
Loving each other whatever the weather: in sickness and in health, in wealth and poverty, through tears and laughter, in our youth and as we age, in our moodiness and in our exuberance.
Not just in health, in wealth, in laughter, in youth, in fun times.
Loving unconditionally.
In our human way, our marriage covenant reflects the super-natural covenant that Jesus made for us and asks us to make with Him.
He’s asking us to be His “bride”. To enter into a covenant and unconditional relationship with him. He’s offering everything. A promise to us of love and life that cannot be broken.
We don’t need to bring anything but our simple selves to the party. Not our selves made up in our best clothes. In fact, I really don’t think He wants us to dress up. I reckon that can become a lure into a religious mindset. Make us think that we have to be a certain way, do a certain thing.
I think all He wants is for us to be unmasked and ready to be known and loved by Him. To come exactly as we are.
All He asks for is our response. When he asks:
“Do you…”
“I do.”
Do you?
Accept that gift of grace and everything becomes brand new.
It’s a fresh covenant which reconciles us to a relationship of love with our creator and there’s no “if” about it.
It’s a promise that is kept.
And that’s why I am honoured to take part in this unfolding journey of our marriage – the enduring human love story that it is.
The loyalty and commitment for the life of it. The challenge of it which grows each of our characters.
And also, with our marriage, the life of it’s own. The joy of the discovery of it. What will it be next with us and for us? By the coming together of two, there is an ongoing creation of something new.
Though our marriage may simply be a pale reflection of the glorious love story of God’s love for us. Still…
I count our marriage the great success story of my life so far.
As Wesley says to Buttercup in one of my favourite movies “The Princess Bride”…
“This is true love….
Do you think this happens every day?”
I can tell you this:
Yes.
It does.
True love.
It happens every day.
And it’s not a feeling. Although I do feel it intensely.
Nor a familiarity. Even though he knows me and I know him.
True love is in the action of any one of us loving unconditionally every day.
Taking away the “if” and putting in the even “if”.
“Even if” he snores! (I know Mum, I agree with you Mum, I’ve got it easy!)
I will simply and truly write this:
I love my husband so much.
Thank you Jesus for putting him in my life to snore beside me.
…insert here to hilarious effect : recording of my husband’s loud snoring…
